gpoydayoff: beach day with my co-workers
i don’t usually like to go out and socialize outside my comfort zone but the people i work with at my job are gr8 i love them so it’s ok.
and i don’t know how to dress myself without wearing all black, so now i guess i take fashion advice from my straight, male friends.
i noticed a man that was incredibly distinctive to my life while i was at work one day. who knew i would see him again at the same place after he rescued me on someone else’s orders, just a mere 2 months ago.
he’s known to others as “officer something something” but to me, he’s known as “victor”. as a man of authority, you’d expect him to be frightening and commandeering, especially with that hulking build of his; you’d actually think he was a drill sergeant. instead, we share a love for old hollywood films and jazz music and he was the most gentle of men i’ve ever met. he’s a loving father and a man dedicated to the lives of others, keeping them from destroying things, other people, and especially their own selves. as reluctant and unwilling as i ever could be, he convinced me to endure the worst and that was one of most important conversations of my life.
"hey what are you doing right now?"
“i just got home from work, what’s up?”
“wanna chill for a bit and smoke some cigarettes?”
it was 2 am and this was usual until he very hard and completely unexpectedly, he hit me with the truth about who really called victor 2 months ago.
let’s call him bob. bob is a great friend of mine and i’ve known him since i was 8. it was only recently i’ve known him to become my guardian angel and on this particular night, the person who saved my life, to which i gave credit to where it wasn’t rightfully due. with the best reasoning behind it, it was the sweetest lie i’ve ever been told.
i didn’t cross paths with victor that night i saw him the second time. i didn’t need to because once i saw him, i felt prepared for something. that something ended up being the truth.
while i was cleaning out the unnecessaries of my closet, i came across an article of clothing that didn’t belong to me.
a series of fond memories poured over me and then the memory of the heartache run at 2 in the morning—
i completely was out of breath but once i reached my destination, we shared souls until they unified and i left with my heart literally on my sleeves.
i couldn’t dare love anyone more than i loved then. but despite much unfolding with the division of our puzzled souls, it still rings true until the universe reveals its true plan for me.
"dad, look what i found. what do i do with it?"
“throw it out.”
“maybe i shouldn’t because it doesn’t really belong to me; i’ll give it back when i have the chance.”
later that night, we unexpectedly roamed the same atmosphere once again after quite some time and it wasn’t a dream this time. but even after all the terrible, it still rings true.
(19 July 2014, 05:27)
14 July 2014, 02:24
i’m lying down on a large pile of clothes that i ripped from my closet and threw on my bedroom floor
i’m really high right now and writing this text post is taking a million billion years more longer than i expected
to whom this concerns:
i don’t know who i want to disappear more— you or me
and this was all for only winning the semi-final
i’m not trying to self-promote myself into fame or w/e by posting this
in fact, i hate listening to and/or seeing recordings of me
but for some reason, i was in a great enough mood to do one of these
the song’s completely irrelevant to what i wanna say lol but it’s ok
music plays a wonderfully positive role in my life—
it brings me up when i feel down, it helps me connect with all kinds of people, and it even saved my life numerous times when i was about to end it
nothing in the world has or ever will make me feel as happy as when i sing a song so i don’t care how terrible my voice is or even how great my voice is because anyone else’s opinion is irrelevant to me
i hope you guys have/find a passion like singing is for me
it’s an awesome feeling and i hope you guys get to feel it too
gpoysummer2k14: i get a new dimple like every couple years or something
recovery has been going pretty well
it’s been rough but i couldn’t ask for a better support system
i’ll never know what to expect but at this point, there’s definitely no turning back
thank you to all those who’ve put my genuine smile back on my face through this craziness because i seriously thought i lost it— i love you guys
EVERYTIME I LOOK TO THE RIGHT I KEEP THINKING THIS IS A CUSTOMER
13 June 2014, 22:20
for years, i would do this thing where i would sit on my driveway at 3 am and stare at the sky and smoke more cigarettes in one sitting than anyone normally should. my mind would always be too cluttered to notice the beauty of the sky. i cared way too much about other people and about myself and the future— it was all too toxic.
those old driveway sittings sound like stupid stories of glorified depression or something dumb and falsely relatable that you read in a John Green novel. it’s just complete crap to me.
what should have been on my mind was to admire the little specks of bright dust and blinking lights and smart little clouds that reminded me of brush strokes on the canvas of an unfinished painting.
i looked up at the moon tonight and noticed the universe. nothing mattered to me anymore. i felt like i turned into little specks of bright dust and ascended to become a part of the moon.