18 October 2014, 20:14
i can feel myself slipping away.
i must fight this relapse.
thank you to those that helped in my regression. you probably don’t know who you are but you all fucking suck.
and thank you to all who remembered me. you know who you are and i love you to the moon and back.
it’s okay for me to say this and my feelings are justified. so yeah.
this hits so hard at home
noonapls i guess this means i win
gpoyfall2k14: new season, new selfie
fall happens to be my favorite season
and at this exact moment,
i’m so glad to have made it this far
thank you to those who kept me around
especially the patient ones
i love you
ham & grilled cheese + cuppa
10 Sept 2014, 22:36
World Suicide Prevention Day.
i know these writing on your wrists things are weird and cheesy but it’s the thought that counts.
little known facts about me: for years, i’ve had issues with self-harm, so my body is littered with really noticeable scars; some hideable, some not. i’ve also had issues with eating disorders, which took a toll on my immune system for months at a time. more recently, i was admitted to the emergency psychiatric service a little over 3 months ago and had to deal with the consequences for attempted suicide ever since then. being at that hospital was the absolute worst experience of my life but in the weirdest way, it was the best thing that happened to me. my life changed for the better.
i want to keep this post as short as i can, so i just want to say this to whomever this concerns:
we both know you know how to be silent about your sadness. but please, stop hurting yourself. stop putting yourself down, stop with the cutting, stop surrounding yourself with crappy people. there are more people than you think that love you and will listen and help you. but start by helping yourself first. and when you’re ready and willing, please please please, get the help you need to help you find what you really do deserve. the power you have to overcome the shittiest of shitstorms is greater than you know. trust me, i know what i’m talking about.
if you ever need someone but feel like you have no one, i really urge you to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. or if you feel comfortable enough with me, feel free to talk to me. you’ll never be a burden.
gpoysept3: i was 19 in this photo
i’ve been 20 y/o for 51 minutes now
subject: mystery note put in my locker at work
a great handful of the people i work with smoke, so i don’t mind giving some of my pack out to whoever needs a one
after my shift last night, i found that a co-worker of mine left a gold dollar coin and a thank you note in my locker for sharing my cigarettes
i’m not sure who put them there but whoever it was is adorable and i love them for being so cute and shit
gpoydayoff: beach day with my co-workers
i don’t usually like to go out and socialize outside my comfort zone but the people i work with at my job are gr8 i love them so it’s ok.
and i don’t know how to dress myself without wearing all black, so now i guess i take fashion advice from my straight, male friends.
i noticed a man that was incredibly distinctive to my life while i was at work one day. who knew i would see him again at the same place after he rescued me on someone else’s orders, just a mere 2 months ago.
he’s known to others as “officer something something” but to me, he’s known as “victor”. as a man of authority, you’d expect him to be frightening and commandeering, especially with that hulking build of his; you’d actually think he was a drill sergeant. instead, we share a love for old hollywood films and jazz music and he was the most gentle of men i’ve ever met. he’s a loving father and a man dedicated to the lives of others, keeping them from destroying things, other people, and especially their own selves. as reluctant and unwilling as i ever could be, he convinced me to endure the worst and that was one of most important conversations of my life.
"hey what are you doing right now?"
“i just got home from work, what’s up?”
“wanna chill for a bit and smoke some cigarettes?”
it was 2 am and this was usual until he very hard and completely unexpectedly, he hit me with the truth about who really called victor 2 months ago.
let’s call him bob. bob is a great friend of mine and i’ve known him since i was 8. it was only recently i’ve known him to become my guardian angel and on this particular night, the person who saved my life, to which i gave credit to where it wasn’t rightfully due. with the best reasoning behind it, it was the sweetest lie i’ve ever been told.
i didn’t cross paths with victor that night i saw him the second time. i didn’t need to because once i saw him, i felt prepared for something. that something ended up being the truth.
while i was cleaning out the unnecessaries of my closet, i came across an article of clothing that didn’t belong to me.
a series of fond memories poured over me and then the memory of the heartache run at 2 in the morning—
i completely was out of breath but once i reached my destination, we shared souls until they unified and i left with my heart literally on my sleeves.
i couldn’t dare love anyone more than i loved then. but despite much unfolding with the division of our puzzled souls, it still rings true until the universe reveals its true plan for me.
"dad, look what i found. what do i do with it?"
“throw it out.”
“maybe i shouldn’t because it doesn’t really belong to me; i’ll give it back when i have the chance.”
later that night, we unexpectedly roamed the same atmosphere once again after quite some time and it wasn’t a dream this time. but even after all the terrible, it still rings true.
(19 July 2014, 05:27)